Silly Questionnaires

Okay. So it's now 2007. I've decided to welcome in the New Year with something fun. My family often sends around "questionnaires" with odd personal questions that are often silly. So I usually make fun of them by sending back half-bogus answers, although I mix them in with real answers. Just see if you can guess which is which! Oh, it's not like that's hard.

Warning: expect colorful language and sexual situations!

Here are sixty of my favorites:


1. What time is it?

If I still had the watch that saved my life, it might be 31 o'clock. By absorbing all the voltage of a household powerline that electrocuted me on a construction job, the watch added 20 to the time and 30 to the day, so it would tell me things like it was 26 o'clock on the 60th of June. So I say, 31 o'clock.

2. What is your sign and your birthday?

Sign: Saggitarius. Hence my love of strategy and tactics, weapons and warfare, arrow fletching, and long walks at sunset. Date: December 1, 1969. You know, the same day the antichrist was born—he likes arrow fletching, too.

3. What type was your first car?

The Starship Pusswhacket.

Obviously that's not true. I've never owned a car, much less a spacecraft. Which I'd like to state for the record really sucks, by the way—they promised us spaceships, damn it!

4. Name four jobs you've had in your life?

1. Sonar Technician for the U.S. Coast Guard
2. Firebreak Cutter for Claremont City, California
3. Graduate Student Instructor for Columbia University, New York
4. Microwave, Sewing Machine, and Vacuum Cleaner Salesman for Sears

And that's not even half the jobs I've had in my life. I mean, I didn't even include brothel supervisor on Zardon's third moon. Good times.

5. If you could have any job, what would it be?

God. Or vice-God, provided God isn't a micromanager (don't you just hate that!?).

But since the Universe isn't taking applications for that position, I'll have to defer to my second choice:

President of the United States.

But they haven't been hiring honest men for that position since Carter (and even he only slipped by when they weren't looking). So I'll have to defer to my third choice:

Absurdly Wealthy Corporate Tycoon.

But you have to be a totally heartless ass-bastard to qualify, much less actually get hired, so I'll have to defer to my fourth choice:

Extraordinarily Well-Paid Freelance Philosopher-Restauranteur.

But that's pretty much unheard of these days. So I'll have to defer to my fifth choice:

Professor.

Already on my way there.

My sixth choice was male porn star. Or Olivia Williams' secret sex slave, whichever position is hiring. Lucky for Jen I'm getting an education instead.

6. What are you most afraid of?

Clown-sized spiders (although spider-sized clowns are disturbing).

7. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?

Deep Throat. No, wait. I meant to say Pride & Prejudice, a la Keira "You're So Pretty You Make Me Sick" Knightley. I mean, really, I've never seen Deep Throat. The movie, I mean, not the act.

8. What are four movies you would watch over and over?

1. A&E's Pride & Prejudice
2. Down Periscope (hey, it's just fun, okay?)
3. The Wedding Singer (gotta have at least one good Barrymore flick)
4. Raiders of the Lost Ark (no explanation needed)

That was a tough one. I had to work down from a list of over twenty! But do note that Horny Honey Blows D.C. didn't make the cut. But then neither did any of the movies I think are the greatest films of all time. So make of that what you will.

9. Place of birth?

Beyond the Mystic Veil of Avalon. Actually, it was some unincorporated patch of land in Orange County I think. Pesky in-line fusion drives! Long story.

10. What are four places you have lived?

1. At Sea (USCGC Sherman WHEC-720, North Pacific Patrol)
2. New York, NY
3. Fremont, CA
4. Ontario, CA

I've tried to block out the few weeks we spent in Texas (...the horror...the horror...).

11. What are four places you have been on vacation?

1. My Mind (wooooooooooooooo!!!)
2. England (London, Bath, St. Ives)
3. Las Vegas, Nevada
4. Marathon Tour of Friends & Family All Over Southern California

All good stuff. Except Vegas. Pretty boring, IMO. Kind of like Zardon's second moon. Dull times.

12. What are four places you would rather be right now?

1. On an intergalactic cruiser.
2. Rome, 75 A.D. (as long as I can have a nanorobotic immune system that eradicates all germs from my body, since otherwise my presence would kill everyone on earth, and theirs would probably kill me)
3. In a 3-way with my wife and Salma Hayek (Shhh! Damn...did I say that out loud just now?)
4. Running the Strategic Advisory Committee for the Barack Obama-John McCain Campaign for 2008 (okay, I just made that up, but oooooh what a sweet dream....)

13. What are the best places you have ever been?

Saturn. But I was too young to remember many details. More recently, I'd have to say: Almost Anywhere on the Coast of California—but the Bay Area most especially. But if we're limiting ourselves to the exotic, I'd have to say: international waters across the planetary date line at midnight two hundred miles from the nearest land. That was even better than Kodiak, Alaska; St. Ives, England; high in the Sierra Nevada mountains; or deep in the Grand Canyon—all of which rated pretty high on my list. Good times. At least I assume so in the case of Saturn, given my aforementioned youngness.

14. What are four websites you visit daily?

1. Columbia University Libraries (Catalogues & Databases)
2. Amazon
3. Google
4. The Secular Web

Yeah, all boring. I know. Sorry. No Asian teens.

15. What are four of your favorite foods?

1. MEAT! Bloody, charred, delectable MEAT! (slaver, slaver, slaver...)
2. ....no, seriously, meat...all meat...any meat (except clams...yicch!)
3. Did I mention meat?
4. Bread

Sigh. Okay, okay, I'll take it seriously now...

15. What are four of your favorite foods?

1. A Traditional Mexican Burrito Colorado
2. Buttery, Yummy, Well-Cooked Broccoli, Carrots & Cauliflower
3. Costco Rotisserie Chicken (mmmmmmm....slaver, slaver...)
4. Fresh-Baked Sourdough Bread

16. What's your favorite new food?

You mean apart from Soylent Green? I guess I'd have to say tangelos, since supposedly those are relatively new. But when you think about it, since humans existed for about 150,000 years before inventing bread, which has existed now for only about five thousand years, making bread a fantastically new hot item on the human menu, I guess I should say: shrimp.

17. Which do you prefer, ketchup or mustard?

On what? My wife? Neither, thank you. I'm not into the whole 9 & 1/2 Weeks thing. Hamburger? Both. Hotdog? Mustard. French fries? Ketchup. Stuffed human head? Branston pickle.

18. Which do you prefer, hamburgers or hotdogs?

Burgers. Though I still go for the hot dogs--but only the ones that are actually made out of pork. You remember those? Back in the day when hot dogs were actually a pork product? You know, before they started making them out of beef? Who the hell came up with that lame-ass idea? Or, before they started making hot dogs out of, even more inexplicably bizarre—get this—poultry!? And, you know, of course, the kind that aren't actually made out of dog. Although I don't know. I might like those.

19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?

If there aren't too many and they aren't too large and they're cooked right. And, of course, if they aren't swarming with worms. But that's just a given.

20. Favorite Drink?

Coca Cola. Or a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Whichever is handy.

21. Favorite ice cream?

Vanilla, but usually when covered in chocolate and peanuts, or blood from the skulls of my enemies.

22. What's your natural hair color?

The Colour From Outer Space, of course. No, seriously, rather than diseased alien colors that whither the souls of all who touch them, I suppose I'd say I have brown hair, depending on the weather and the position of Mars in the House of Zebul.

23. Ever been toilet paper rolling?

I once destroyed an Arcturian battleship by tossing a soiled roll of toilet paper into the gears of the ship's primary pencil sharpener. Does that count?

24. Ever love someone so much it made you cry?

Hmmm. Either Salma Hayek or Audrey Tautou, it's hard to say, since they were both there at the time. No. Seriously, they could only make me cry by kicking me in the balls and throwing salt in my eyes. But, alas, Salma has always been gentle with my balls, and Audrey thinks my eyes are too dreamy to throw salt in. So I've only cried for Jen. And without any ball kicking or eye salting, too ("I might, though!" Jen pipes in). Which means the answer is yes.

25. Favorite CD?

CD's? Who uses CD's anymore? I mean, like, what century are you living in? It's all about MP3 players, dude. Get with the program!

Okay, seriously, I guess I'd have to say Anima Animus by The Creatures. I mean, really, isn't that everyone's favorite CD?

26. Favorite day of the week?

Friday, because it's the only day named after a broad.

27. Favorite Restaurant?

You mean other than the Restaurant at the End of the Universe? Well, okay. Then it would be Nib's. Local joint. Long story. But they kick ass. No, really! But metaphorically, of course. There are no actual ass-problems at Nib's.

28. Favorite Flower?

What do you think I am, some pansy!? Oh all right, then I'll have to say Morning Glory, which is the prettiest weed in the universe. Although Canterbury Bells are awesome, they are also creepy, and I suspect they'll one day kill us all in a gruesome Day of Reckoning. So no, they're not my favorite. Hopefully, the Morning Glories will rise up against the Canterbury Bell Rebellion and save us all, and although we will be forever enslaved, the Morning Glories will be generous masters. So yes, they're my favorite.

29. Favorite sport to watch?

Feline fly snatching. Oh, wait, you meant an actual sport. Ummmm....oh, yeah! Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. (And you think I'm making that up). Oh, and of course there's always American Scorched-Earth Warfare. Can't pull my eyes away from the TV when that's on. "Honey, fetch me some pretzels and a bottle of Polish vodka! The musket-toting tribesmen are down three zillion points and they can't even hit our invisible supersonic bombers...I mean, what lame-oids!"

30. Disney or Warner Brothers?

Disney, but only because through some inconceivable miracle, WB still somehow manages to suck worse.

31. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Vicious Weasel. Well, okay, that's only a fast food joint Jen and I made up. Of the real world, I guess I'd have to say McDonalds. But it's not like the field is crowded with excellence here.

32. What color is your bedroom carpet?

Ah, now this one is The Colour From Outer Space. No, I'm serious. What the hell else could that god-awful vomit-like color be?

33. Before this email, from whom did you get your last e-mail?

Either Salma Hayek or Audrey Tautou. Yes, they both just sent me emails at exactly the same time. Okay, no, not really. Tautou sent hers first. Aishwarya Rai got to me earlier, though, so Salma and Audrey can go stuff it. Early bird gets the worm. (Jen says, "Oh, I just got that. Ew."). Anyway, all joking aside, my last email was from...drum roll please...ME. That's right. My calendar program just emailed me to tell me about a sibling's birthday. Yeah, yeah, I know it's a billion times more boring than a sexy missive from Bollywood dreamboat Aishwarya Rai, but tough cookies, you pervs!

34. What do you do most often when you are bored?

Whatever I wasn't doing when I got bored. I mean duh. What kind of stupid question is this? Oh, alright. When I get bored of reading, I write. When I get bored of writing, I read. When I get bored of both, I go for a walk. And, of course, when I get bored of fellatio, I do cowgirl. Doesn't everybody?

35. Bedtime?

10pm-12am, unless Jen and our friends are engaged in a wild sex party, in which case, 12:03am.

36. Who will respond to this email the quickest?

Audrey Tautou's personal assistant.

37. Who will be the least likely to respond?

Salma Hayek. Ed keeps her busy.

38. Who is the person copied on this email whose response you are most curious to see?

The dead guy.

39. What four still-airing TV shows do you love to watch?

1. Battlestar Gallactica (the new version, of course)
2. House
3. Law & Order (any franchise except Trial by Jury; I also prefer reruns to the new stuff)
4. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

This was easy. Because that's pretty much it. TV sucks in general, and I don't like things that suck, not in general.

40. Favorite TV show of all time?

Currently, Death Monkey Kill Kill! mostly for the touching romance between the leads—and, oh, that spunky kid, he makes me laugh so! But among cancelled shows, Noneliminativist Ontological Investigations with William Johansenburg Hawthorpe Covingtonson III. Why the fuck did they cancel that?

41. What are you currently reading?

Best of Noneliminativist Ontological Investigations with William Johansenburg Hawthorpe Covingtonson III: Transcripts and Advanced Bibliographical Notes. Oh, and of course, Hellmut Brunner's Die Geburt des Gottkönigs: Studien zer Überlieferung eines Altägyptischen Mythos.

Okay, you want me to be serious. Well, I was half serious—I finished reading sections of Brunner a year or so ago. But you want to know about now. Well, okay, in that case, I just finished Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell and just started The End of Mr. Y. Both books about books...and scholars...and magic. How did that happen? Come to think of it, they both fit well with Secret History, too. All three by women, oddly enough. Or perhaps not oddly at all. I often find women better at fiction than men. Not always. But there does seem to be a trend. As for these three books, my vote is not yet in on Y, but Strange and Secret History are both astonishingly excellent and have won a place among my favorites. Right up there with Best of Noneliminativist Ontological Investigations. I mean, that book's just awesome!

42. What are you listening to right now?

"Home Again" by Oingo Boingo. Yeah, Boingo rules!

43. How many tattoos do you have?
Only Audrey, and only a couple of times. Oh, you mean TATT-oos. Hey, I don't dig on desecratin' the flesh. Copy, dawg?

44. How many pets do you have?
3,468,472. If we break that down by species, then we've got 3,468,471 fleas and 1 cat.

45. What would you like to accomplish before you die?
A threeway with my wife and any of her hot girlfriends. Hey, I'm just kidding (yeah, kidding on the square). After that impossible achievement, what I'd most like to accomplish before I die is definitely for Jen and I to build and retire in our own dream house—alas, even if there are to be no threeways.

46. What's on your mouse pad?
It used to be solid black with a padded handrest. At least, when the tiny mouths weren't hissing at me from within that inky void. Now it's just flat, boring, and blue. Blue like NASA overalls. Blue like a Bible salesmen's polyester slacks.

47. What is your favorite board game?
Shogun, which has since been renamed Swords and Samurais or something lame like that, though the game still rocks. That or The Official Bruce Lee Boardgame. And you think I'm joking. Okay, to be perfectly honest, I'm far more partial to Merchant of Venus and even more to Iron Dragon, though Titan and Squad Leader deserve honorable mentions, as well as the various Catan games, and of course Tigris & Euphrates. I mean, who doesn't love Tigris & Euphrates!?

48. Favorite smell?
Dry grass in a California meadow. That or Jen's sun-warmed hair. It's a pretty close call. And I'm not even joking on this one.

49. Least favorite smell?
New York City.

Oh, no, wait, you mean a single smell...

Okay...you asked for it: vomit.
50. Favorite colors?
Definitely not The Colour from Outer Space. I mean I've been staring at this carpet for years and I can honestly say I've gone off it. So, I'm gonna have to go with black. No, wait, deep crimson red. No, wait, deep emerald green. No, wait, what do chicks look hot in? Black! Oh, wait, deep crimson red's pretty hot. Damn, so is deep emerald green. Can't I have a different one for every day of the week? Favorite colors that is, not chicks. Oh, wait...!

51. Least favorite color?
The 80's.

Oh, no, wait, you mean a single color...

That would be either pink or pale blue. Ickh!

Hey, come to think of it, my worst color often causes my worst smell! Crazy world.

52. Future (or first) child's name?
Gazdobar Lord High Destructor. Hmmmm...no, maybe Hypatia or Marcus would be more kind.

53. What is most important in life?
Jen's love. But knowledge & wisdom rank a very close second.

Third place: shoes.

Although, honestly, hot showers almost give shoes a run for their money.

54. Do you like to drive fast?
At least as much as I hate to drive slow. Or, rather, "ride," since I don't "drive" per se. But I always fly slower than I walk, and walk slower than I crawl, and teleport faster than I eat, though I eat slower than I can get a head shot with a heavy-barrel FN-FAL at 200 yards with iron sights in moderate wind. But I sleep slowest of all. There will be a test on all this in the morning.

55. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Does a stuffed human head count?

Just kidding... (you hope!)

The answer, of course, is: no...although, technically, my pillows could count as stuffed slugs. I mean, they're long and squishy and about the same color.

56. What's under your bed?
Aforementioned stuffed human head.

No, not really.

Really: twenty yards of coaxial cable, five feet of lamp cord, a chair, a piano, a sewing kit, three purses, two dozen cans of coke, a cat, and a sword. Also, rarely, Jen's dirty socks.

Again, I bet you think I'm joking.

57. If you could meet one person dead or alive who would it be?
Selma Hayek. Naked.

No, just kidding.

I really mean...

Vivien Leigh. Naked.

Oh alright, I'm still kidding.
The answer is ... (drum roll):

Lucian of Samosata.

Huh? Wha? If you don't know the guy, it would take too long to explain...but he's the guy...I'd have to brush up on my conversational Greek, though...

58. Okay, someone alive...?

George Soros. Just so I can attempt to convince him he needs to fund an atheist thinktank. I know that's boring. Get over it.

59. Storms: cool or scary?
Cool. Even when they kill you. But not when they mangle your right arm. Left arm's okay. And one eye, too, but not both. When they crush, melt, or tear off either or both legs, that's a bit more on the scary side. But punctured lung's definitely a bit more on the cool side. When they vaporize your genitals: scary. But, coma: cool. Haven't decided about other various organ or limb injuries.

60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The egg, of course. Because preceding the first chicken must necessarily have been a pre-chicken chickenlike bird, the immediate ancestor of the chicken, which is not, itself, a chicken. But as a matter of physiological fact, the egg always forms before the sperm arrives to impregnate it. In other words, there ain't no chicken 'til the unchicken mommy gets knocked up by the unchicken daddy and their sperm and egg combine and get all fucked up, producing an unchicken mutant freak, which we affectionately call a chicken, but at the time was so hideous a monster that it tore and rent the flesh of all the unchickens for as far as the eye could see, and then this new race of atomic superunchickens reigned for many ages, until a fucked up mutant hairless ape freak found them fun to eat. So, egg. Definitely the egg.

Oh, so you are a glutton for punishment, are you? Here's an email questionnaire I created and sent back to my family—just eight questions, complete with my own answers—specifically to one-up the boring ones my family sends me:

1. Top Four Fantasy Lovers - (i.e. characters from fiction, television, or film)

1. Jessica 6 (if she looked like Jenny Agutter in Logan's Run)
2. Cleopatra (if she looked like Vivien Leigh in Caesar & Cleopatra 1945)
3. Elizabeth Bennett (of Pride & Prejudice, if she looked like Jennifer Ehle...well, okay, I'll take Keira Knightley, too...you know, if I must)
4. Princess Aura (Ming's daughter...if she looked like Ornella Muti in Flash Gordon 1980, and had the bore worms sicked on her for a while to mellow her out a bit)

2. Top Four Fantasy Weapons - (i.e. weapons from fiction, television, or film)

1. Callahan Thoroughgauge Fullbore Autolock, Double Cartridge, with Customized Trigger (I call 'er Vera)
2. Lightsaber
3. Star Trek Pocket Phaser
4. My Own Personal Terminator with Minigun

3. Top Four Fantasy Vacations - (i.e. places from fiction, television, or film)

1. Total Immersion Video Game, Jane Austen Sim (you know, like in Red Dwarf)
2. The USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D (gotta gets me some 'o that Holodeck time)
3. Boulder, Colorado after "The Stand" (finally, some elbow room on this planet...thank you!)
4. Naboo (as long as I never have to talk to any of those annoying jibbyjabbywhatsits)

4. Top Four Fantasy Assassinations - (i.e. actual people you'd secretly celebrate the death of)

1. George W. Bush
2. Dick Cheney
3. Karl Rove
4. Kim Il Sung

5. Top Four Fantasy Body Swaps - (i.e. actual people whose body you'd take)

1. Brad Pitt
2. Nathan Fillion
3. Hugh Jackman
4. (a young) Harrison Ford

6. Top Four Fantasy Careers - (i.e. jobs that ONLY exist in fiction, television, or film)

1. A Sorcerer, like in The Belgariad (kinda like a Professional Defender of Good, with powers!)
2. Captain of a Starship
3. Klaatu's Job (you know, intergalactic emissary, flying around the galaxy telling dumb ass planets "get your shit together or my pet robot will nuke you")
4. Emperor of the Galaxy (you know, kinda like a noble version of Ming, scanning around the galaxy telling dumb ass planets "get your shit together or my slutty daughter will nuke you")

7. Top Four Fantasy Superpowers

1. Indestructibility
2. Telepathy
3. Magnetokinesis
4. Flight

8. Top Four Robots You'd Like to Have as a Friend - (yes, CPUs, replicants, androids, and simulants count)

1. Hal 9000 (after he's cured, of course)
2. Data (like, you know, from Star Trek: TNG)
3. Bishop (from Aliens - but all in one piece and not squirting goo everywhere)
4. Rachael Nexus-6 (from Bladerunner...hey, I'm a guy...I gotta have at least one sexy robot)

End of Line

Happy New Year!