Thursday, October 04, 2007

Sack Lunch

Here's some brief humor for those who are odd like me. Some time ago my sister-in-law sent us the following email:
You (Seinfeld fans) will recall that Sack Lunch was the name of the movie Elaine Benis wished to see instead of the dreaded English Patient. ("It's got Dabney Coleman. How can it miss?!) In my opinion, Sack Lunch is the greatest fake name for a movie ever. But perhaps you can do better. The winner will receive...um, a sack lunch. But maybe one with some really gourmet stuff in it. Oh, and this is a democracy so we can all vote.
And so the contest among friends and family began. Here was my entry. Enjoy. (Or not. Whatever.)

Hamster!
A horror film involving an unkillable liver-eating hamster that goes on a rampage in a high school full of giggling teenagers up to silly hijinks, until they are all slaughtered by the evil hamster one by one. Also, includes a sub-plot involving a lovable alien visitor that looks and sounds like Bob Newhart.

The Toe
A tough-as-nails action film starring Bob Saget as Jimmy the Toe, a vengeance-seeking tough-guy cop whose wife and sweet, beautiful twin boys are slain by the mob in some absurdly graphic and needlessly elaborate way--in front of him, naturally, complete with slow-motion "Nooooooo!" scene filmed in Megascope(TM). He is, of course, called the Toe because one of his toes deflected a bullet in his violence-riddled past on the beat of the mean streets of Fresno, and a cult of miracle-worshippers is now after him, because they want the toe. In a clever twist that defies explanation, he cons both the mob and the cult into taking each other out in a wild, bloody climactic battle in which most of what happens is unintelligible due to the confusing "shifting camera" editing and mind-piercing high-volume techno music track that overlays all the dialogue.

Ticketing
The entire cast of Waiting (or Employee of the Month, it hardly matters) is now recast as the staff of a local AMC cinema. Hinjinks ensue, including an inordinately ubiquitous penis joke, and numerous (and frustratingly obvious) "body doubles" standing in for the actors when they supposedly show various naked body parts for implausible reasons. No one dies.

Terminal Flight
Random monsters attack passengers on a plane for no reason. One obligatory sex scene, involving minor characters, unintelligibly interrupts the otherwise monotonous plot, which of course ends in some embarrassingly insulting depiction of a stewardess who can't stop crying while she tries to land the plane following instructions from the air control tower.

The Fast and the Furious LIX: Yoyo G
Having exhausted every conceivable method and location for pointless, foolish, and implausible vehicular racing, the 59th installment of the franchise finally resorts to depicting the fast-action, sexually-charged lifestyle of hip-hop yoyo champions who fill the screen with unintelligible dialogue and cool yoyo action. Lots of fast, rockin' music, hot chicks, and unrealistic attitudes and relationships keep the lobotomites pleased while they munch stale popcorn that costs more than the equivalent volume of gasoline.

Love Indubitably
British vignette comedy no one will remember in ten years.

The Function
Tense thriller involving a mathematician attempting to solve a mind-bogglingly complex theorem whose solution will be of no use to humanity. Insignificant supporting cast occasionally interacts with the lead while most of the film involves artsy camera angles and mood shots. The most action you see are numerous slammed-together scenes of vigorous writing and erasing on a chalkboard and, once, the mathematician hurls something that breaks.

Fried Green Tomatoes
Cast of has-beens in semi-depressing chick-flick named after an item of southern cuisine the mere smell of would make most in the audience vomit, and which actually has nothing to do with anything that happens in the film. Rambling plot is in one way or another connected to an idiot (not surprisingly, one of the few significant male characters in the film) who gets killed by a train because he's too stupid to know how to remove a shoe or make a tourniquet. Weepy girl-power moments prevail.

Oh wait, they actually did that one...

4 comments:

zhadi said...

WAYYYYY too much free time on your hands, m'lad! Which isn't to say I won't try to come up with a few entries of my own. What's the time limit?

Richard Carrier said...

Oh the contest is long over. This was I think a year ago. But feel free to ad thine own here.

Sneb said...

Very nice! I did this for my myspace profile. I believe the movie plots are self explanatory:

The Dachshund General
Tin Foil Blues
Turkmenistan Showdown II
Jangling Jehosaphat

Pikemann Urge said...

LOL... I used to laugh myself silly with this kind of thing ages ago with a friend (who is now working in the film/TV industry in Los Angeles - natch).

Paper Cups

"In this thing called life, it's okay to dream"

Young twenty-something Damien Mueller is fresh out of college, fresh into his new job at a coffee house and finding his way through life.

Throughout his busy day he encounters many interesting people, some of which inspire him to seek bigger goals in his future.

Unsure of where he is and where he wants to go, Damien strikes up a friendship with a customer - an older woman - and soon finds that the advice you get comes from the most unlikely places.

A bittersweet drama about friends, life, dreams and where they can take you.